An open letter to the man I never knew

I was four years old when I can first remember realizing that I didn’t know who my father was, and fast forward a few years to age 7 the phone calls started coming in. He traveled from New York to visit me and I can vividly remember him taking me to the toy store and then going back to my house and playing operation with me. As he left and made a ton of promises that were never kept, I did not know that would be the first and last time I would ever see him.

In my teenage years I found out that he had a few kids of his own now and one of them reached out to me asking if I would videotape a video of myself wishing her sister a happy birthday. I was bitter and did not want to help these girls who’s father was a man I hated.

The anger stayed for quite some time, especially after running into health insurance issues while I was pregnant with Madison and could not get this man to take me off of his health insurance. But then Madison was born and over the last 4 years I have watched her bond with my husband and realized that when she is older her future husband will have big shoes to fill. I landed the jackpot with my husband and he is the complete opposite of the man who was suppose to raise me.

I was not sad on my wedding day that I didn’t have a father walk me down the isle, instead I had a uncle walk me down the isle who did more to raise me then you could have even attempted to.

I an not bitter anymore but I do feel bad some days that this man has missed out on all the great things I have done in life and the amazing family I have created. He will never know my children and watch them grow. I then remember that he chose this, he chose not reach out to me, he chose not to send me one birthday card in the last 28 years of my life, but when I chuckle because he probably doesn’t even know my birthday.

The only thing I can thank him for is for making me the strong, indepdent woman that I am. I have never been one to take crap from anyone and my back bone is strong. The only person that will ever deserve any credit in my upbringing is my mother. The woman that made sure I had everything I needed, the person that dropped me off and picked me up for all of my sporting practices, took me on multiple vacations, listened to my cry over breakups or hard days, who has been the most amazing grandmother to my children and is my best friend. She had to do everything by herself and that part still makes me angry when I look at my life and see how much my husband does, and she did it all alone.

I hope that you are living a good life and happy with all of the decisions you’ve made in your life.  I hope you don’t take tour children that you have relationships with for granted and maybe one day you will have a ounce of regret for our relationship.

Xo,

Ashley